


descending upwards into a state of complete consciousness

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self Harm, poemfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 09:36:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1342651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he calls me<br/>best friend<br/>and i'd be lying if i said<br/>it doesn't make me feel<br/>numb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

in romcoms  
it's always the  
best friends  
falling in love.

his eyes  
are so blue that once i thought  
they were purple  
like the amethyst ring  
shining  
in the jeweler's window

face paint  
doesn't really seem like face paint  
when it's on  
him.  
he painted a picture  
using his face  
as the canvas.

no one really  
hangs out with him  
anymore  
except for tavros  
but only because  
they dated  
in 10th grade  
and i'd be lying if i said  
i hadn't been  
jealous.

nobody thinks  
he'll succeed  
but he pays them no mind  
because he has a paintbrush  
and nothing else  
matters.

i'm his only company  
most of the time  
at lunch it's always  
me  
him  
tavros  
and he doesn't eat much  
no matter how much food  
i pile up in front of him  
because  
he doesn't really need to.  
he claims  
he's fed by  
miracles.

he calls me  
best friend  
and i'd be lying if i said  
it doesn't make me feel  
numb.


	2. Chapter 2

kanaya said she's been  
worrying about me  
"karkat, i think you're going  
in  
s  
a  
n  
e"  
i told her  
she didn't know what  
she was talking  
about  
go  
sew a skirt  
or something.

nepeta asked  
who i was dating  
right now.  
i said  
no one  
and thought  
gamzee makara.  
she clapped her hands  
and said she would  
set me up  
with someone.

so to satisfy everyone  
i did what nepeta said to  
and asked  
terezi pyrope  
if she wanted  
to catch a movie  
sometime  
and i thought  
sometime  
never.

when we leave the theater  
she kisses my cheek  
and cackles  
then smiles and says  
"thanks karkles,  
i had fun"  
i tell her  
me too  
"are we dating now?"  
definitely, i say,  
smiling like nepeta showed me  
terezi looks  
so happy  
as she smiles again  
and runs off.

i stand there for a little while  
and think  
this is how it feels  
when your skin flakes off your body  
and your bones crumble  
and nothing  
is left.


	3. Chapter 3

sollux  
figured it out  
and said  
"karkat, this is  
s  
t  
u  
p  
i   
d.  
he's not your   
type"  
i don't have a   
type  
i just have  
the spark i get  
when gamzee smiles.

terezi sits with us at lunch  
she doesn't really  
like  
gamzee.  
and i'd be telling the truth  
if i said  
i wish she would  
leave  
leave  
leave.

so again it would be just  
me  
him  
tavros.

i don't know   
how to handle it.

the bell rings  
and gamzee and i   
pack our things in silence  
while tavros still makes  
idle conversation with my  
girlfriend  
girlfriend  
girlfriend.

girl-friend.

boy-friend.

boyfriend  
boyfriend  
boyfriend.

i stay up tonight  
not realizing  
the ocean is slipping down my cheeks  
and all i can think of is  
gamzee  
gamzee  
gamzee.


	4. Chapter 4

i see a  
clown-faced smile  
everywhere i look.

i only know   
the floor is cold  
as kanaya's arms gather me up  
and she runs as fast as she can  
in her black high heels.

my dad picks me up  
and kankri carries me  
carefully  
to our maroon honda civic  
and the birds are yelling through the windows  
 _you missed lunchtime, lunchtime!_  
does that mean today  
lunch won't be  
me  
him   
tavros?

terezi leaves   
six voicemails  
and  
four texts.

i don't answer  
any.

tomorrow  
kanaya stops me  
and says  
"karkat, you have a  
p  
r  
o  
b  
l  
e  
m"

i don't tell her  
to go  
sew a skirt  
or something.

i remember the night  
the ocean slipped down my cheeks  
so i stand  
and her arms  
are open  
and this time  
it's waterfalls  
slipping down my cheeks.

i carved  
a clown-faced smile  
in red  
so i see it  
every time  
i roll up my sleeves  
which is  
never.


	5. Chapter 5

terezi  
talks to me today  
"karkat, why didn't you  
answer?"  
i stay  
silent.  
i've been getting   
better at that  
recently.

i open my mouth  
finally   
to say something  
but she's walking away  
all i'm left with  
is the  
stinging pain  
of a bright red mark  
on my   
dry  
cheek.

some people  
look  
at me  
differently.

but  
it's okay  
because today will be lunch with  
me  
him  
tavros.

they don't ask me about my   
dry  
cheek.

"did you and, uh  
terezi  
b  
r  
e  
a  
k  
up?"

yes   
i say  
thank god  
i think.

it was only for  
two weeks  
we dated for  
two weeks.

gamzee hasn't talked to me for  
two weeks.

the red oceans  
on the pale skinned beach  
made it feel like  
two years.


	6. Chapter 6

"you need help"  
kanaya says  
while the teacher is speaking  
in my third period pre-calculus class.  
i'd be okay  
if i could feel  
his calloused hands  
covering  
mine.

today at lunch  
it's only  
him  
tavros  
because instead of sitting  
on opposite sides  
of the table like they  
usually do  
tavros  
is in my seat  
and gamzee  
is leaning on him.

that  
was  
my  
seat  
but  
now  
it's  
not.

i don't listen  
to the bell  
today.

i don't expect  
to be found by  
eridan ampora  
but i am.  
he sits  
not too far away  
but not too close.

we sit on the sidewalk  
in silence  
gleaning bits of lessons  
through open windows.  
i like  
the outdoors  
i decide.

"i know how it  
f  
e  
e  
l  
s  
to love someone  
who doesn't  
l  
o  
v  
e  
you back"

i ask if he  
has also seen   
red oceans  
when visiting  
pale skinned beaches  
he smiles  
sadly  
and says  
"yes  
too many  
times"

the waterfalls  
slip down   
again  
but he doesn't  
point them out.

they match the ones  
on his cheeks.


	7. Chapter 7

eridan really did  
visit the beaches  
too many times.

everyone is   
there  
but  
they weren't who   
he talked to before  
he went home  
and drowned  
in the red oceans.

strangely  
enough  
i feel sad  
but don't wish  
he was still  
here.  
because he  
took the easy way out  
and that's  
his choice.

i stand  
off to the side  
in the back  
and leave.

nobody notices  
that i do.

i want to drown  
in the ocean  
on my cheeks  
and kanaya's right  
she's right  
she's right   
i have a  
p  
r  
o  
b  
l  
e  
m.

i want to find her  
and bunch up  
her skirt  
in my fists  
and scream  
into the fabric.

"karbro?"

when i was a child  
my ball would  
roll into the street  
sometimes.

there's no ball  
but i'm still  
running  
after it.


	8. Chapter 8

how do angels fly  
if they don't  
have  
wings?

i sit with kanaya at lunch  
today  
she sits with  
vriska serket  
and  
aradia megido.  
they fuss over  
me  
well  
mostly aradia and  
kanaya.

vriska knows  
i can  
tell  
she knows  
about the pale skinned beaches  
she's been there  
i can see  
through her  
she is  
transparent.

when i happen  
to follow her home  
she knows  
why  
she just  
doesn't let the world  
know.

"this is  
marquise"  
she says  
pointing to a  
tarantula.  
i nod  
and i'm  
grateful  
i don't have to explain  
my presence.

when i ask her  
about the red oceans  
she  
l  
o  
o  
k  
s  
at me  
and says  
"yes  
but i can  
swim  
i'm not going   
to  
drown  
like ampora."


	9. Chapter 9

when i hear  
kankri calling  
up the stairs  
i wonder for a moment  
if it's vriska  
and she wants   
to talk more.

it's   
n  
o  
t  
vriska.

i don't hear the door  
slamming shut  
but i feel the carpet  
that we lined the stairs with  
so i think  
yes  
i'm going the right way  
the right way  
is   
a  
w  
a  
y.

i need to visit the beaches  
i need to  
visit  
now.

i'm too small  
too weak  
despite his  
skinny limbs  
he's stronger than   
me.

the beaches are a haven  
they're a haven i need to  
g  
o  
now.

i go   
limp  
because   
struggling is too much effort  
right now  
and i just remembered  
how tired  
i am.

what am i  
resting on?  
it's not a  
pillow  
but it's  
warm  
and smells  
safe   
and  
it's holding me like  
i might  
break and it's so  
gentle.


	10. Chapter 10

how did i   
get  
here?

it's  
not  
safe  
here.

my rear end  
aches.

there's fire  
slipping  
down  
my  
thighs.

this is the part of town  
kankri  
warned me about.

i hear  
their laughter  
they're  
s  
a  
t  
i  
s  
f  
i  
e  
d.

i think  
as i stumble  
i need  
to go  
h  
o  
m  
e.

people  
look at me.  
they  
sneer at me.

kankri opens the door  
and nearly faints  
i'm so tired  
i want that not-pillow  
to rest on again  
how has it already  
been a  
week?

he locks us in  
the bathroom  
strips me  
and cleans me  
carefully  
while my eyes  
stay  
dull.

for a second  
i think i should join  
eridan ampora.


	11. Chapter 11

vriska  
is absent  
today.

kanaya tells me  
she's fine  
she's just sick today.  
i'm glad  
that means  
vriska didn't lie  
she didn't join  
eridan ampora.

it goes  
dark  
in my   
third period  
pre-calculus  
class.

kanaya doesn't hurry  
right now  
she picks me up  
again  
like last time  
and she strides away from  
everything  
letting us sit  
in the hallway  
alone  
pulls her knees  
up to her chest  
and her oceans   
slip down.

i am living  
on the pale skinned beaches.

will lunch ever again be  
me  
him  
tavros?

he  
found us  
kanaya and i  
i don't see   
anything  
but the wall  
in front of me.

he leans down  
whispering  
in kanaya's ear  
she nods   
wipes her  
eyes  
and she  
leaves  
leaves  
leaves.

i just want to  
sleep  
sleep  
sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

"why  
did you up and  
l  
e  
a  
v  
e?"

his eyes  
are so blue  
that i wonder  
are they the  
amethyst ring  
shining  
in the jeweler's window?

face paint  
still doesn't seem like  
face paint  
on him.  
i want to save the picture  
he's painted  
using his face  
as the canvas.

he still calls me  
best friend  
and i'm still lying because  
it still makes me feel  
numb.

"i was motherfuckin  
w  
o  
r  
r  
i  
e  
d  
karbro"

the oceans  
won't stop  
flowing

"please  
karkat  
say  
s  
o  
m  
e  
t  
h  
i  
n  
g"

i pulled up my  
sleeve  
we watch  
the clown-faced smile  
in  
silence.


	13. Chapter 13

soft.  
soft  
warm  
soft.

it's not a  
pillow  
but it's  
warm  
and smells  
like eridan ampora is alive  
like there was never any  
fire   
slick on my thighs  
and like no one  
ever  
ever  
ever  
visited  
the beaches.

i remember  
how it feels  
to  
l  
o  
v  
e  
someone  
who doesn't  
l  
o  
v  
e  
you back.

i remember how it  
f  
e  
e  
l  
s.

i know how it  
f  
e  
e  
l  
s.

this is how it feels  
when your skin  
flakes off your body  
and your bones  
crumble  
until nothing  
is left.


	14. Chapter 14

it's so  
quiet  
here  
so i  
listen.

"you can't be  
by yourself  
you can't be  
by yourself  
i kept you in the dark  
in a room with  
nothing sharp  
until you were  
well

you told me that you were so  
scared of what they know  
love isn't afraid  
love is using your first name  
in the poems  
that i wrote

follow me to a home  
abandoned at the shore  
there's a story  
on the walls  
written in marker  
'cross the halls  
that you'll  
adore

no one can see us now  
like the sun  
behind the clouds  
let's grab a drink  
for lunch  
and wash out the taste of blood  
from our  
guilty  
mouths

when you stepped into the light  
saw it running down your thighs  
and thought  
what a  
beautiful sight

to see  
you  
alive."


	15. Chapter 15

i've dreamt of this before but it's  
r  
e  
a  
l  
this time.

if my life  
was a story  
it would be  
written  
in  
poems  
because   
you can't put  
this  
into words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [a song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy9FC6nrwn0)


End file.
